We Don't Give an F, S my D, How Many Licks and other insightful track titles.

HAAAAAAAAI,

I'm gonna be straight up with youse. I, Chelsea 'Chomps' Maria 'Chip on my Shoulder' Freeman have been struggling with things of mid-sized importance to internet-write about.

Here's a list though:

Things and People That Should've Given Up Already:

1. This fuckin' thing. Did you barf in your mouth? I have been for years, just remembering that it exists. It's a geoduck. For starters it's pronounced ridiculously unlike how it's spelled. That makes me angry almost immediately. For seconders LOOK AT IT. It's my nightmare. It's what will rule the world eventually and it's probably what will take power FROM the robots.

2. Nicolas Cage (this one's for you, Bean): SERIOUSLY? The guy has one facial expression, and it's "My puppy just died because I fed it a steady diet of the movies I star in." David Schwimmer slides in pretty close but he had the good sense to typecast himself early on in his career with a crew of others who still somehow manage to warm my heart regardless of their syndication. Wanna fight me about Friends? Shit's good, so shut up. Actually, Nicolas was ssshmmaaaalright in Kick Ass. But remember how little you had to see his face? Exactly.

3. Lil Kim.

4. Bloggers. Right? I know.

5. Videos of baby animals. I've had enough. I've had enough of the bunnies, and the kittens, and the weird stories about hippopotamuses and tortoises forming life-long friendships. I've had enough of human babies too! What with their squishy faces when they eat pickles and the way they giggle because they don't have the good sense to hide their happiness on the inside.

aaaaaaaah GOTCHA! I love that stuff. You guys are turd-hearted esses of b's if you were like "FINALLY! Someone else says it!"

I'm not sayin' it. I'm not sayin' it at all.

lulz,

Chomps

slush pants

It's the end of May. We Southern Ontarians just experienced our first almost picture-perfect weekend. We've all been out of the house, cutting the lawn, walkin' the cat, etc. etc. Here's some other stuff I like to do.

1. Go to the zoo - I feel like a trip to the zoo could be controversial if you're a person who would rather see animals in their 'natural habitat', but a lot of fun for people who have come to terms with reality and know that they're probably never going to travel to the Himalayas to catch this little guy in action. I had never seen a rhinoceros before, I couldn't afford a trip to Africa, guess where I went? Scarborough, ON. Yes, it can be sad to see anything exist in captivity (and please, don't go to Marineland) but if you can't get past it, start saving for that overseas safari. I'm not going to list 'safari in Africa' as things to do this summer, because I'm pretty sure your odds are good of hitting a warm, dry season outside of our four month pocket.

2. Cedar Point - if you go to Canada's Wonderland every year and ride the fastest roller coaster like seven times just to avoid riding the ones that you know won't live up to your expectations, get four or five friends together, book a room in Sandusky and go to Cedar Point for two days. There are two or three different lodging options (I've always stayed at The Breakers), and if you stay on-site you get access to the park before e'erybody else does. It's not that I don't hear how much all y'all looooooove the Behemoth. It's just that the Behemoth sucks. There aren't any rides that suck at Cedar Point. None.

3. Take the train somewhere - Our railway system is pretty freakin' awesome. If you buy at the right time you can get last minute business class tickets along a lot of their major routes at reasonable prices. There's also a youth discount up to 25 years of age that I'm not sure many people know about. Get wild! Go to Moncton! (disclaimer: if there's nothing going on in Moncton, don't get mad at me. Just get back on the train and keep movin' east. Or make some noise in NB and change their reputation FOREVER.)

4. S.C.E.N.E Music Festival - my home town has a fairly awesomely reputed block party every year, wherein hundreds of bands (some Canadian, some travelling from afar) play at over ten different venues all within walking distance of each other. Beer flows like water, water flows to battle the dehydration. People usually ignore the latter. Pause'll be there. You should join us. http://www.scenemusicfestival.com . The other good news about outdoor concerts this year is that NXNE falls the week before S.C.E.N.E and it always guarantees a good time. LOOK!

5. The cheapest and often funnest (it's a word) suggestion - Welcome people into your home, yard, and life. Let's face it, if you were partying at somebody ELSE'S house they've been cleaning up after you. Odds are you've been a mess-leave-behinder for a lot of years now at the homesteads of many pool owners (both swimming, and table). Time to return the favour. Make some fruit juice popsicles and tell people to BYOB. No furniture? Tell people to BYOChairs. We've only got about 3 months and two weeks before we're zipping our jackets up to our chins and wishing we'd done more fun stuff over the summer. GET ON IT.