RATED G MOVIES ARE RUINING MY HOLIDAY

Santa Claus has a white beard and probably a urine stained lap while he sits 'pon his throne at the mall. Or all of the malls. Or none of the malls because he's like waaaaaaay too busy.

The Santa Clause was a stipulation in a contract that Tim Allen's character was obligated to fulfill for knocking the previously listed man off of an icy roof.

Does Santa care whether or not you spell his name wrong?

Ummm, can you afford to take that chance?

Stop it.

-Chomps

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN 'STUMES

'Stumes is a new thing I'm saying now. Feel free to use it.

10. Antlers - no animal attached. People will be trying to figure out which animal with antlers you are ALL freakin' night. But you'll just be antlers. It's incredibly clever.

9. Kitty Clock - This one's SUUUPER simple. You dress as a cat and look from left to right all night. If you can get a mechanical tail that wags in time with your shifty eyes I say DO IT.

8. Johnny Knoxville - If anyone recognizes you, you can write to Johnny and say 'Hey buddy! Don't worry, you've stiiiiilll got it!' Someone's gotta stroke that poor guy's ego.

7. a Blog - go as this one! We love you! All you need is a sandwich board and a passion for the interwebs. Did I just paint a good enough mind picture with my imagination brush? E-mail me and I'll send you a diagram.

6. Mel Smith - You'll never have amazing hair like that, but you can damn well try.

5. Joe Biden - just recycle a George Bush costume but wear a whiter wig and give everyone a thumbs up. Totally do-able. I mean that in both the way that it's easily done and also that it's sexy.

4. Lady Gaga - just kidding.

3. T-Pain - put an Aero bar wrapper on your top teeth. DONE!

2. Ryan Reynolds in Buried - I don't know why. I like Ryan Reynolds and that's a movie he just did.

And number one?
Numero Uno?
El Supremo?

Jimmy friggen McMillan. Because he's a karate expert and he wants to make sure you get breakfast-lunch-n-dinner.

-Chomps

WANNA KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

Fashionable and chic as I may seem to those of you who’ve met me in person (read: three steps away from wearing plaid pajama pants and a waffle shirt without a bra in public) there are a few excruciating trends I’ve been noticing lately. Seeing as this is clearly a forum where people stand by the well(and independently)-made fashion choices they make, maybe this’ll be well received or maybe someone will try to strangle me with *leather leggings on the dimly lit street.

Can I even call these faux-pas? Not really. Reason: these are actually accepted social norms. These don’t violate the eyes of many, though they terrorize the hearts of the few. My grandmother and I being two of them. Hold on tight, and don’t cry “EGREGIOUS!” til’ we’re through.



1) LEATHER LEGGINGS!?!!!! : Come on. Let’s consider the source. Source A) Motorcycle riders who are afraid they’ll lose large patches of skin due to road rash should they accidentally skid out of control. Source B) Li-to-the-Lo-han. Neither are realistic fashion icons for the greater good, one of them is always crying in court because she can’t seem to stop spending her millions on alcohol and inventing new ways to wear leather leggings. Shudder.

                                                                              2)

Boyfriend Button-Ups: TUT, TUT. I do NOT speak ill of the oversized button-up when it is used as a top. I do wish a variety of Swine Influenzas on the The Hills wardrobe consultant who thought it would be ok to start wearing them as dresses. A plague sprung from the idea that a large shirt could easily double as an ill-fitting dress if belted (by rope, fishing line, or other) in some way which lends itself to frequent ‘whoopsies!’ and ‘bum-cheek peek-a-boos’.

3) UGG Boots: Friends, this was a problem in 2003. There’s no reason for it to still be wreaking havoc on my eyes. They don’t weather well in our Canadian climate, they make women look like abominable snowpeople, and they single-handedly turn any well-planned outfit into something Britney Spears wore into a gas station POST-baldy. “But they’re soooo comfortablllllllllleeeee!” I don’t care. They’re awful. Get some real winter boots and stop sliding around in front of me on the sidewalk.


4) The strapless dress: This just in! Straps keep your breasts INside your clothes. If you’re attempting to garner attention by having your fun-bags navigate territory with a bit more freedom, we also passed a law some years ago that’ll allow you to go topless. No need to keep tugging on yourself while you’re dancing to Ke$ha.

5) Purses adorned with the initials of whichever designer you chose that day because you had four hundred bucks burning a hole in your pocket: Though it pains me to be the one to expose this to you, you got had. You got had, and how.

I feel way better now. All of this being said, I should also add that there are a lot of really REALLY hot fashion choices out there right now. Some people lead the way by wearing pants as pants and shirts as shirts, and I respect that. You should also probably not take my advice too seriously because the greater part of my good taste in anything is for hamburgers and french fries. Try Buns in Montreal.

Hope this helps and please don’t hit me with your Coach bag,


-Chomps

FOR THE LOVE OF...

Hello, friends.

We haven't spoken in some time. I am rectifying that now. Carrying forward from here there will be no whining, no horseplay, no kicking your brother and no eating the Cracker Jacks between the car seats.

Let me point out that this has been a summer of successes for the fine company I blog for. In case you haven't noticed, people be desirin' this shiz all UP in they stores. The guys are bigger than the Beatles, AND the subsequent Gallagher brothers band to follow that claimed to be bigger than the Beatles. You heard me. They're a step above Oasis. Except they don't annually hire and fire their band mates. Yet.

I don't have a Straight Shootin' question to answer this week. However. I present to you a breath of freshness, wherein I shed some light on some really cool things that I know about.

Thing the primary: Cancer. Not cool. Not cool at all. Earlier this year someone close to me found out that one of their very VERY close friends was diagnosed with cancer for the second time. She had previously gone into remission but was unfortunately re-diagnosed. Following the first discovery of the disease she began to write a very up-close and personal account of the things she was going through. We're talking photos, too. She held nothing back. She also wrote a list. Not a bucket list, but a list of things she wished for and was driven to accomplish.

During her second bout of treatment, not too long ago in April of this year she passed away. Least cool of all the things I have mentioned thus far. However. Her husband has made leaps and bounds in accomplishing the things that she had on her list and he's brought attention to this journey in ways that are absolutely astounding. Every day he posts some other crazy new thing that has exposed his wife's story and has reached out to other people who are going through the same thing.

Being the starving post-post-secondary student that I am, there's not much I can do to monetarily contribute to his cause, but I thought you guys might dig his unwavering commitment to it, because you all seem like pretty cool people who like cool shit.

Her blog.
Her list.
Adam's campaign.

See? pretty effing cool, right? Sure beats telling you not to wear your underwear inside out, which is what I was originally going to post about.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

FALLING VICTIM TO THE MARCH 'HEATWAVE' FAKEOUT

So I saw some jerk wearing shorts this weekend and I felt like I needed to at least meet him halfway and come out of hiding to speak my obnoxious mind a bit more frequently.

Don't let the uncharacteristically tepid disposition of the outdoors fool you, you're still entitled to your winter-induced depression. The rhythm of suckitude to which our hearts beat (read: baDUM-baDUMPITY dum DUUUUUM) can carry forward for at least another 13 days.

But if it's all the same and you'd rather not be such a crumbum, run outside and just fill your mouth with the freshness of that earth that's been hiding underneath the snowdrifts for what's seemed like a minor eternity. Take a big handful of that dirt that replenishes your filthy city with flora, fauna, pollinating honeybees and fornicating urban species, and shove it in your gob.

Tastes like shit, doesn't it. Toldja it was too soon to get your hopes up.

Happy Soon-to-be Spring, Everyone!

-Chomps

"ENZO, YOU'RE SO BASIC."

Yo, remember ReBoot?

Long before there were Bratz - THOSE bitches are an ire-filled post for another day - before they decided the Rug Rats as tweens would still be likable and not intensely disappointing, which was indeed the sad reality, there was a Canadian show which aired on YTV that used to blow my friggen mind.

Seriously, I barely even know how to turn my computer on, but once they dove into the gritty underbelly that was Mainframe and those diaBOLical 'games' were upon them, I couldn't even step away to empty my 11-year-old sized bladder. One time my dad and I went to Playdium and rode the ReBoot ride and I cried when the ride was over because I wanted my mortal life to end and my CGI life to begin. Avatar? More like LAVa..tory. Yeah, I said it.


Who can deny the raw sex appeal that was this sprite-rescuing, hover-board riding RENEGADE? Bob. Not the Builder. That guy can't fix shit.
The Guardian. He's basically Brad Pitt dipped in the rainbow and covered in computery liquefied Alex Mack glaze.






That show ruled.

-Chomps

"you're a fuckin' ssssssponge head"

What with my new head of half-shaved half-coiffed hair, Tricky, Matt, Tiff and myself headed out to an establishment with both class and a fair bit of character.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Annex Wreck Room.

Before going in we were at the pizzapizza on the corner giving our stomachs something to absorb alcohol with, when a disgruntled woman came in asking to use the washroom.

The woman behind the counter made some mistakes dealing with this situation in that she denied the woman access to the toity, and also LIED about the toity being cleaned. You work at Bathurst and Bloor, you're wasting your time denying drunk people access to the facilities. They're going to piss on your back entrance stoop instead.

Anyway, one obnoxious thing leads to another and maybe I suggested to this woman that if she felt it was 'illegal' to not have access to the washroom, she should call the cops herself. Also, the reception's better outside, so probably leave. Read: you're embarrassing yourself. Get. Out.

Drunk and possibly high from the frivolity of her monthly coven gathering, irritated by my smart-assedness, her eyes became fixed on me and she cursed my life. Seriously, I quote:

"I hope something really awful happens to you. I curse you!"

May I never be dragged to hell.

-Chomps

Two years ago, the girl in this picture let everyone at Pause sleep on her floor. She writes sassy articles for us now. That's what she would look like with a large black moustache. Enjoy.

Oh, Hi!

Contrary to my curmudgeonly linear persona, in person I'm fairly agreeable, somewhat personable and all around fun-loving.

HOWever.

There are a few uh, provisos. A couple of quid pro quo.

This is not written because I assume some sort of omnipotent, self-important role. This is a list of things that I hope most people in their right minds adhere to when meeting new folks who they want to a) be friends with, or b) befriend and then date their prettier sibling/bestie/recently divorced mother. As always, I do not claim to have never done these things. Only that they are ineffective, irritating and worth shedding some light on.

How to Make a Bad First Impression:

Assume familiarity by using terms of endearment like 'honey' and 'sweetie'. 'Sweetheart' also falls into this category depending on how condescending your tone of voice is. The exception to this rule is if it is expressed with sincerity and not a whiny squawk. The exception does NOT necessarily include people who are older than you, regardless of how ancient they claim to be or how white their hair is. Especially servers. Cut it out, Fran.

Try to convince me that a reality show you've been watching is riveting, funny, enjoyable, or even worth a sentence in a conversation that's probably already strained. This is not a direct judgment on those who choose to watch reality television. I've been known to chat up fellow fans of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'. It IS a judgment of people who speak of them without invitation or without any other social cue that their 'new friend' even enjoys the same mindless fodder.

Say things like 'I'm not going to lie' (or ANY variation of this, including 'not gonna lie', 'nah gan lah', etc.) or an equally annoying popular phrase which would not only be redundant but also imply that someone would care that you had a propensity to veer from the truth when admitting to something which is probably going to be unequivocally boring anyway. An example of this: "sweetie, I'm not gonna lie, I just canNOT get enough of the Bachelor this season." Vomitacious.

This one doesn't need to be stated but I feel like I need to cater to the lowest common denominator if I'm really going to reach out and help someone tonight. Keep your friggen' foot out of your mouth. Don't comment on how you 'would just die if you couldn't eat cheese' to a vegan. Don't talk about how comic books are for losers to somebody who might have grown up wishing that they were Spider-Man. In fact, if you find that you're somewhat incapable of keeping your offensive biases to yourself, do these four things:

1. enter the nearest convenience store
2. purchase microwave popcorn (with extra butter for those of you who simply can't lie about how much they love it)
3. say 'thank-you, honey' to the clerk.
4. microwave your snack, turn on The Hills and never try to make any more friends.

Yours,
Chomptholomew