"ENZO, YOU'RE SO BASIC."

Yo, remember ReBoot?

Long before there were Bratz - THOSE bitches are an ire-filled post for another day - before they decided the Rug Rats as tweens would still be likable and not intensely disappointing, which was indeed the sad reality, there was a Canadian show which aired on YTV that used to blow my friggen mind.

Seriously, I barely even know how to turn my computer on, but once they dove into the gritty underbelly that was Mainframe and those diaBOLical 'games' were upon them, I couldn't even step away to empty my 11-year-old sized bladder. One time my dad and I went to Playdium and rode the ReBoot ride and I cried when the ride was over because I wanted my mortal life to end and my CGI life to begin. Avatar? More like LAVa..tory. Yeah, I said it.


Who can deny the raw sex appeal that was this sprite-rescuing, hover-board riding RENEGADE? Bob. Not the Builder. That guy can't fix shit.
The Guardian. He's basically Brad Pitt dipped in the rainbow and covered in computery liquefied Alex Mack glaze.






That show ruled.

-Chomps

"you're a fuckin' ssssssponge head"

What with my new head of half-shaved half-coiffed hair, Tricky, Matt, Tiff and myself headed out to an establishment with both class and a fair bit of character.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Annex Wreck Room.

Before going in we were at the pizzapizza on the corner giving our stomachs something to absorb alcohol with, when a disgruntled woman came in asking to use the washroom.

The woman behind the counter made some mistakes dealing with this situation in that she denied the woman access to the toity, and also LIED about the toity being cleaned. You work at Bathurst and Bloor, you're wasting your time denying drunk people access to the facilities. They're going to piss on your back entrance stoop instead.

Anyway, one obnoxious thing leads to another and maybe I suggested to this woman that if she felt it was 'illegal' to not have access to the washroom, she should call the cops herself. Also, the reception's better outside, so probably leave. Read: you're embarrassing yourself. Get. Out.

Drunk and possibly high from the frivolity of her monthly coven gathering, irritated by my smart-assedness, her eyes became fixed on me and she cursed my life. Seriously, I quote:

"I hope something really awful happens to you. I curse you!"

May I never be dragged to hell.

-Chomps

Two years ago, the girl in this picture let everyone at Pause sleep on her floor. She writes sassy articles for us now. That's what she would look like with a large black moustache. Enjoy.

Oh, Hi!

Contrary to my curmudgeonly linear persona, in person I'm fairly agreeable, somewhat personable and all around fun-loving.

HOWever.

There are a few uh, provisos. A couple of quid pro quo.

This is not written because I assume some sort of omnipotent, self-important role. This is a list of things that I hope most people in their right minds adhere to when meeting new folks who they want to a) be friends with, or b) befriend and then date their prettier sibling/bestie/recently divorced mother. As always, I do not claim to have never done these things. Only that they are ineffective, irritating and worth shedding some light on.

How to Make a Bad First Impression:

Assume familiarity by using terms of endearment like 'honey' and 'sweetie'. 'Sweetheart' also falls into this category depending on how condescending your tone of voice is. The exception to this rule is if it is expressed with sincerity and not a whiny squawk. The exception does NOT necessarily include people who are older than you, regardless of how ancient they claim to be or how white their hair is. Especially servers. Cut it out, Fran.

Try to convince me that a reality show you've been watching is riveting, funny, enjoyable, or even worth a sentence in a conversation that's probably already strained. This is not a direct judgment on those who choose to watch reality television. I've been known to chat up fellow fans of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'. It IS a judgment of people who speak of them without invitation or without any other social cue that their 'new friend' even enjoys the same mindless fodder.

Say things like 'I'm not going to lie' (or ANY variation of this, including 'not gonna lie', 'nah gan lah', etc.) or an equally annoying popular phrase which would not only be redundant but also imply that someone would care that you had a propensity to veer from the truth when admitting to something which is probably going to be unequivocally boring anyway. An example of this: "sweetie, I'm not gonna lie, I just canNOT get enough of the Bachelor this season." Vomitacious.

This one doesn't need to be stated but I feel like I need to cater to the lowest common denominator if I'm really going to reach out and help someone tonight. Keep your friggen' foot out of your mouth. Don't comment on how you 'would just die if you couldn't eat cheese' to a vegan. Don't talk about how comic books are for losers to somebody who might have grown up wishing that they were Spider-Man. In fact, if you find that you're somewhat incapable of keeping your offensive biases to yourself, do these four things:

1. enter the nearest convenience store
2. purchase microwave popcorn (with extra butter for those of you who simply can't lie about how much they love it)
3. say 'thank-you, honey' to the clerk.
4. microwave your snack, turn on The Hills and never try to make any more friends.

Yours,
Chomptholomew