When Secret Santa Simply Won't Do. Cuz Boys Are Stupid.

Chompstain's Log, 11:14am on Wednesday December 28th, 2011.

That reads like 'chomp stain.' I do not like it. Some new words were never meant to be coined.

Dear Diary,

This has been a really great year. I can't wait for Christmas when all of us get together around the yule-thing and sing something-carols about non-denominational babies who were conceived questionably. We're playing this game called Yankee Swap. You may or may not have seen an episode of The Office, Season 1, wherein the employees partake in an ill-thought out gift robbery that originally started out as a Secret Santa. Pam comes to her senses in the end and gets her teapot back.

I'm not really a White Elephant kind of girl, but because some of the guys are hitters and I don't really feel like entering the Octagon this holiday season, I'm going to acquiesce.

Things I Am Probably Going to Buy for Yankee Swap (we have to shoot for approximately $15.00)

1. Hair elastics - the ones that will go in even short hair. Serves them right. They wanted to play Yankee Swap and now they've gotta use this gift. Have fun looking like that one dude from The Prodigy.

2. Two chocolate pudding cups - because it's Christmas, and I've got a heart.

3. Mistletoe - nobody knows what it actually looks like because people get it confused with holly. Someone will probably throw it in the salad thinking that a piece of arugula went astray. It looks nothing like arugula either, but I bet you don't know what arugula looks like, Diary.

4. Creepy head scratcher thing that Andrew has. - Not buying this for anyone. Stealing it in order to get rid of it because it's like a futuristic alien fingernail-claw and it makes me uncomfortable. It's also clearly what everyone's parents were talking about when they said "it's all fun and head-scratchy til' someone loses an eye." TAKE IT. TAKE IT AWAY.

I'm not a monster, I'll give him a different one instead. HAHA! Look at that thing! Does it double as a lawn-mower?

5. A three dollar Amazon.ca gift card. - this will cover somebody's annoying S&H costs. Maybe.

6. Neon orange Bic lighter - It's sitting on my nightstand for some reason, and I don't really need it right now. Hopefully whoever gets it will let me borrow it when the time comes.

7. One tea light - This way the receiver doesn't have to commit to a legitimate candle that they may or may not use regularly to make the burning time worthwhile. An unused candle functions as nothing more than a dust collector, but a tea light only burns for like three hours and it's SUPER easy to throw out with the rest of the crappy gifts I've put together in this list. It also necessitates the bic lighter. I AM AN EFFICIENT GIFT-GIVER.

8. Creamy Garlic Dipping Sauce - Someone WILL use this. It's the most thoughtful thing so far.

9. Bag of penne rigate - Because I have one in my pantry. What's up.

10. A Kinder egg airplane that won't fly. Chocolate not included.

There, Diary. That entry took me about a week to write. Seven days to come up with ten crappy gifts. Forgive me, nine crappy gifts and one terrifying one.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Chomps

We Don't Give an F, S my D, How Many Licks and other insightful track titles.

HAAAAAAAAI,

I'm gonna be straight up with youse. I, Chelsea 'Chomps' Maria 'Chip on my Shoulder' Freeman have been struggling with things of mid-sized importance to internet-write about.

Here's a list though:

Things and People That Should've Given Up Already:

1. This fuckin' thing. Did you barf in your mouth? I have been for years, just remembering that it exists. It's a geoduck. For starters it's pronounced ridiculously unlike how it's spelled. That makes me angry almost immediately. For seconders LOOK AT IT. It's my nightmare. It's what will rule the world eventually and it's probably what will take power FROM the robots.

2. Nicolas Cage (this one's for you, Bean): SERIOUSLY? The guy has one facial expression, and it's "My puppy just died because I fed it a steady diet of the movies I star in." David Schwimmer slides in pretty close but he had the good sense to typecast himself early on in his career with a crew of others who still somehow manage to warm my heart regardless of their syndication. Wanna fight me about Friends? Shit's good, so shut up. Actually, Nicolas was ssshmmaaaalright in Kick Ass. But remember how little you had to see his face? Exactly.

3. Lil Kim.

4. Bloggers. Right? I know.

5. Videos of baby animals. I've had enough. I've had enough of the bunnies, and the kittens, and the weird stories about hippopotamuses and tortoises forming life-long friendships. I've had enough of human babies too! What with their squishy faces when they eat pickles and the way they giggle because they don't have the good sense to hide their happiness on the inside.

aaaaaaaah GOTCHA! I love that stuff. You guys are turd-hearted esses of b's if you were like "FINALLY! Someone else says it!"

I'm not sayin' it. I'm not sayin' it at all.

lulz,

Chomps

Don't ask and you're probably still going to receive...cuz it's my day off.

HAAAAAAAAY!

I haven't verbed the noun 'blog' in liiike four weeks. Here are some reasons why:

1. Inspiration to yammer on about almost nothing in particular is fleeting.

2. Most of the inspired yammering I've been doing this summer is through my mouth on to unsuspecting friends and family. It occurs to me now that an online reader is less likely to walk away or slap me in the pie-hole so maybe it's better this way.

3. I'm busy! Okay? Enough with the texts and the phone calls and the other stuff that would happen if people were bothering me to write something. I've got sandwiches to eat and jokes to laugh at!

So there's all of those. Then there's the illicit stuff I can't tell you about because it would incriminate the company in its entirety and we'd have to offer up Ken's beard for bail money (because his chin follicles are genetically modified to produce a small portion of diamond dust in every burly facial strand) and probably sell Eric for a couple packs of cigarettes that we could hide the miniature pick-axes required to peck our way out of the dimly lit cell that we'd line with pin-ups of...of...Smurfette.

Smurfy, smurfy Smurfette. The first two adjectives were 'sexy' and 'easy'.

The above reason is slightly improbable, knowing that they'd never put a female in a prison cell with three other males. Or the same prison. Other than that it'd probably go down that way. Especially the Smurfette part.

I will tell you what's comin' up though. Our friend, my co-blogger and hetero life partner/confidante Mel Smith is getting married this month. I'll be standing up there with her while she makes some really amazing promises to her wonderful husband-to-be and then all of us are going to drink and eat until bail from Ken's chin becomes a very real ass-saving device once again. Keep in mind Andrew's coming as my date so please expect to see some photos of me trying to force feed him all of the foods he's allergic to. WHEN I *WEDDING-PARTY, I **WEDDING-PARTY HARD.

Other than that, have a ridiculously awesome Labour Dabour. Or Labor Dabor if you can't spell.

Chomps

*I've never been in a wedding party before so this statement is just anticipatory.

** Anticipatory WITH A CHANCE OF HARDNESS.

CATS, THEN MOVIES

While the men of Pause are bonding in the fortress of doom, my 8x10 juicebox in Parkdale is bumpin' to the tune of Entourage, Season 4. Jeremy Piven may be a little man with a huge douchey Napolean complex, but sweet baby Jeebus it's a ComplexILF. That acronym translates into something you'd think I'd be embarrassed for my Mom to read, but she totally gets me so it's ok.

I've been pretty listy lately, and I see no particular reason to ruin an organized thing. The trouble lies in the subject matter. Lo and behold...

Things to Write a List-Blog About:

1. Ways That Kristen Wiig Has Made My Life Better - TARGET LADY? PENELOPE? SUZE ORMAN? That blog would friggen rule and also include so many amazing clips wherein her voice would do things that mine only aspires to do and falls short of.

2. Great First Dates - this one would start with romance, good, cheap food around the city, and end with a really great story about how I got a Boner City tattoo. Don't believe me? Good.

3. Early-Late 90's Television and How It Shaped My Opinion of Healthy Relationships - This one would include Neve Campbell's abusive situation with Jeremy London on Po5. They also both had the exact same haircut; that alone seems painful enough. Julia and Griffin's beat-down drama aside, this blog would also include heavy hitters like Pacey Witter and Joey Potter, Steve and DJ from Full House, and lest we forget Doug and Patty Mayonnaise. Yeah, I said it.

4. Ways That Cats are Better Than Dogs - I don't need a list for this one. Shit's just true.

5. Favourite List Blogs: I only know of one sweet SWEET one. http://www.tenthingsivelearned.com . You're gonna love it or you don't even know anything about anything anyway.


Night guys.

Chomps

learning!

don't say this:

1. creamy - because it's disgusting.

2. tresses - because you're not a writer for YM magazine.

3. moist - because it sounds disgusting even if it isn't.

4. 'opposed to' without the 'as' (shout out to my homey C-Mac) - because that's not how English works. BEing opposed to something is one thing. For example, I am opposed to people making comparisons using the nonsensical phrase 'this, opposed to that.' Y'heard?

5. fuss-trated - because that's not an actual word.

Happy Thursday,

xoxo Chompz