Chompstain's Log, 11:14am on Wednesday December 28th, 2011.
That reads like 'chomp stain.' I do not like it. Some new words were never meant to be coined.
Dear Diary,
This has been a really great year. I can't wait for Christmas when all of us get together around the yule-thing and sing something-carols about non-denominational babies who were conceived questionably. We're playing this game called Yankee Swap. You may or may not have seen an episode of The Office, Season 1, wherein the employees partake in an ill-thought out gift robbery that originally started out as a Secret Santa. Pam comes to her senses in the end and gets her teapot back.
I'm not really a White Elephant kind of girl, but because some of the guys are hitters and I don't really feel like entering the Octagon this holiday season, I'm going to acquiesce.
Things I Am Probably Going to Buy for Yankee Swap (we have to shoot for approximately $15.00)
1. Hair elastics - the ones that will go in even short hair. Serves them right. They wanted to play Yankee Swap and now they've gotta use this gift. Have fun looking like that one dude from The Prodigy.
2. Two chocolate pudding cups - because it's Christmas, and I've got a heart.
3. Mistletoe - nobody knows what it actually looks like because people get it confused with holly. Someone will probably throw it in the salad thinking that a piece of arugula went astray. It looks nothing like arugula either, but I bet you don't know what arugula looks like, Diary.
4. Creepy head scratcher thing that Andrew has. - Not buying this for anyone. Stealing it in order to get rid of it because it's like a futuristic alien fingernail-claw and it makes me uncomfortable. It's also clearly what everyone's parents were talking about when they said "it's all fun and head-scratchy til' someone loses an eye." TAKE IT. TAKE IT AWAY.
I'm not a monster, I'll give him a different one instead. HAHA! Look at that thing! Does it double as a lawn-mower?
5. A three dollar Amazon.ca gift card. - this will cover somebody's annoying S&H costs. Maybe.
6. Neon orange Bic lighter - It's sitting on my nightstand for some reason, and I don't really need it right now. Hopefully whoever gets it will let me borrow it when the time comes.
7. One tea light - This way the receiver doesn't have to commit to a legitimate candle that they may or may not use regularly to make the burning time worthwhile. An unused candle functions as nothing more than a dust collector, but a tea light only burns for like three hours and it's SUPER easy to throw out with the rest of the crappy gifts I've put together in this list. It also necessitates the bic lighter. I AM AN EFFICIENT GIFT-GIVER.
8. Creamy Garlic Dipping Sauce - Someone WILL use this. It's the most thoughtful thing so far.
9. Bag of penne rigate - Because I have one in my pantry. What's up.
10. A Kinder egg airplane that won't fly. Chocolate not included.
There, Diary. That entry took me about a week to write. Seven days to come up with ten crappy gifts. Forgive me, nine crappy gifts and one terrifying one.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Chomps
