I'll serve your industry. Right in the face.

What to do when you, the consumer have decided to enter an LCBO on the Thursday night before a long weekend:

Do expect there to be a long wait in line. It's an LCBO on a Thursday night before a long weekend.

Do NOT huff and puff behind me when you realize you chose the 'slow' line. THIS JUST IN, D-NOZZLE: YOU CAN GO STAND IN WHAT YOU CONSIDER TO BE THE FAST LINE. We are not bound by our decisions about line-standing. We are not caged in by these choices and I don't actually like that I can feel your breath on my neck.

Do have friendly pre-Canada Day conversation with your fellow line bystanders.

Do NOT try to win people over to your side by saying that the cashiers have their hands up their asses because people who got in a different line after you have already left the store. Also, see previous DO NOT statement. Also, see previous statement about it being the Thursday night at the LCBO before a long weekend.

DO ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that there are human beings who are standing twenty feet away ringing up your merchandise. They have beating hearts, they have families, feelings, homes that they're heading to after they deal with the mass of Torontonians try'nna get their drink on. You may be a blip on their radar but you sure as shit aren't considering that I'm in front of you and I don't have to treat you with excellent customer service today.

DO feel like an idiot after I tell you to have some compassion for people. DO feel stupid after you tell me that you used to work in the service industry and after I tell you how sure I am that people must have loooved you.

DO drink responsibly and DO have a good long weekend.

Do NOT eff with me.

LOVE!
Chomps

titular title to tittilate your...senses.

firstthingsfirst,

I’ve got an Americano in my system and I’m about as grounded as a ring-tailed lemur, so don’t interrupt or I’ll lose my train of thought and the marsupial shit will hit the fan.

Don’t know if all y’all have seen the new stuff available on the site. Go see it.

The crywolf show at the Gladdy was fantastic. Gallery was beautiful yet understated, the prizes were awesome, the büs designed by various artists (including our boys) were all so vastly different from each other; it was a true testament to creativity. Waytogo crywolf women. A personal favourite was Biggie Bü (you can find him in the photos).

S.C.E.N.E next week. I have previously instructed you to go see the new stuff. If you have chosen to not heed my advice and would prefer to feel the holy cloth beneath your fingertips, come see us next Sunday. I’ll make out with OR high five you , choose your side.

I forget what else. Go getche-self a table on a patio somewhere tonight. Toast the deities of summer and remember to ask for moist towelettes with your saucy wings.

YEE YEE,
Chomps

brain Fry-day

Posting something once a week is proving itself challenging. I am nowhere near interesting enough; proof in the pudding being that my last tweet was about eating chicken biryani and being on facebook, ps. add me @chompsy.

Funny things that strangers did this week:

1. Some dude ordered a hot, cold, espresso without coffee from me. I'm not making that up.

2. A girl with a backpack that would've rivalled the slope of Quasimodo's hunch was standing diRECTLY in the middle of the streetcar aisle yesterday morning. She saw more people hopping on and then proceeded to back up further into the way. I said some things I'm not proud of, but God willing our paths won't ever have to cross unless I'm in the bell tower one of these days.

3. A woman we've never met before made sure to tell us "she couldn't stay any longer" when getting up to leave the movie theatre thirty minutes into a film.

4. Leaving my house in the am on an old man's t-shirt: "in my head I'm giving you the middle finger." It's like he took the words straight from that hole where my heart used to be that's presently filled with dry pine needles and vinegar, and put it on as clothes instead. Bless.

5. Balloon, the cat who lives in the basement apartment below me (not really a stranger) couldn't find the treat in my hand today because he has one eye and no depth perception. HA! Cute, sad AND hilarious.

Bon weekend mes amis! We're gonna be at the Gladstone Hotel tomorrow night for a little gallery event hosted by the fine ladies at crywolf from 7pm til probably the end of time (because time will cease to exist when that much awesome gets together). Party with us during, party with us after. It makes no difference to me.

K, but no seriously come.

Love you miss you,

Chomps

CATS, THEN MOVIES

While the men of Pause are bonding in the fortress of doom, my 8x10 juicebox in Parkdale is bumpin' to the tune of Entourage, Season 4. Jeremy Piven may be a little man with a huge douchey Napolean complex, but sweet baby Jeebus it's a ComplexILF. That acronym translates into something you'd think I'd be embarrassed for my Mom to read, but she totally gets me so it's ok.

I've been pretty listy lately, and I see no particular reason to ruin an organized thing. The trouble lies in the subject matter. Lo and behold...

Things to Write a List-Blog About:

1. Ways That Kristen Wiig Has Made My Life Better - TARGET LADY? PENELOPE? SUZE ORMAN? That blog would friggen rule and also include so many amazing clips wherein her voice would do things that mine only aspires to do and falls short of.

2. Great First Dates - this one would start with romance, good, cheap food around the city, and end with a really great story about how I got a Boner City tattoo. Don't believe me? Good.

3. Early-Late 90's Television and How It Shaped My Opinion of Healthy Relationships - This one would include Neve Campbell's abusive situation with Jeremy London on Po5. They also both had the exact same haircut; that alone seems painful enough. Julia and Griffin's beat-down drama aside, this blog would also include heavy hitters like Pacey Witter and Joey Potter, Steve and DJ from Full House, and lest we forget Doug and Patty Mayonnaise. Yeah, I said it.

4. Ways That Cats are Better Than Dogs - I don't need a list for this one. Shit's just true.

5. Favourite List Blogs: I only know of one sweet SWEET one. http://www.tenthingsivelearned.com . You're gonna love it or you don't even know anything about anything anyway.


Night guys.

Chomps