Don't ask and you're probably still going to receive...cuz it's my day off.

HAAAAAAAAY!

I haven't verbed the noun 'blog' in liiike four weeks. Here are some reasons why:

1. Inspiration to yammer on about almost nothing in particular is fleeting.

2. Most of the inspired yammering I've been doing this summer is through my mouth on to unsuspecting friends and family. It occurs to me now that an online reader is less likely to walk away or slap me in the pie-hole so maybe it's better this way.

3. I'm busy! Okay? Enough with the texts and the phone calls and the other stuff that would happen if people were bothering me to write something. I've got sandwiches to eat and jokes to laugh at!

So there's all of those. Then there's the illicit stuff I can't tell you about because it would incriminate the company in its entirety and we'd have to offer up Ken's beard for bail money (because his chin follicles are genetically modified to produce a small portion of diamond dust in every burly facial strand) and probably sell Eric for a couple packs of cigarettes that we could hide the miniature pick-axes required to peck our way out of the dimly lit cell that we'd line with pin-ups of...of...Smurfette.

Smurfy, smurfy Smurfette. The first two adjectives were 'sexy' and 'easy'.

The above reason is slightly improbable, knowing that they'd never put a female in a prison cell with three other males. Or the same prison. Other than that it'd probably go down that way. Especially the Smurfette part.

I will tell you what's comin' up though. Our friend, my co-blogger and hetero life partner/confidante Mel Smith is getting married this month. I'll be standing up there with her while she makes some really amazing promises to her wonderful husband-to-be and then all of us are going to drink and eat until bail from Ken's chin becomes a very real ass-saving device once again. Keep in mind Andrew's coming as my date so please expect to see some photos of me trying to force feed him all of the foods he's allergic to. WHEN I *WEDDING-PARTY, I **WEDDING-PARTY HARD.

Other than that, have a ridiculously awesome Labour Dabour. Or Labor Dabor if you can't spell.

Chomps

*I've never been in a wedding party before so this statement is just anticipatory.

** Anticipatory WITH A CHANCE OF HARDNESS.

Conflict in the Workplace

Reporting to you live from my back deck on a dining room chair that is super uncomfortable. It's also not 'finished' properly so it's sticking to my back and I'm pretty sure varnish is somehow embedded in my skin. God I'm so hxc.

The title has nothing to do with problems I'm having at work. I was just sort of awkwardly mashing melba toasts and sweet potato dip into my mouth and I got to thinking about how we identify conflict based on location instead of based on people.

Basic Conflict Resolution Troubleshooting:

You're having a disagreement? First things first, WHERE are you?

Not: Is this person mentally unstable? Are they capable of biting you in the jugular?
Not: Who is this person to you? Loved one? Acquaintance? Unstable jugular-bitey crazy stranger?
Not: Is this person having a bad day, a bad week, a bad life?
Not: Is this person a lot like you?
Not: Is this person nothing like you?

I think we way too often choose to ignore the humanity in each other when we bump skulls, or fenders, or belief systems, or egos, or Blackberries, or whatever the fug people bump around with these days.

Consider what you have to defend. What you want to defend. Consider how the other person feels about these same things. Don't consider the walls that house you or the policies that prohibit you.

Something something cue warm fuzzies.

daaaaaaaaw,
Chomps

Accurate Biographies That Don't Require Any Fact-Checking

D'you guys know Eric, Ken and Andrew intimately?

Do you wish you did?

Take it back. That's gross.

I've got a few things to share. Some are naked photos, some are delightful anecdotes and choose-your-own-adventurey tales wherein you the reader will probably feel a wide range of emotions (greatest of which being love) as you soak in what I knowz about these guys.

Let's start with Eric. I met Eric some twenty-seven years ago working at the anvil factory in Western Hill, St. Catharines. It was probably about 3:53pm and my workmates and I were just about to take the faulty anvils over to the aforementioned Hill for a good roll-about when a lanky yet somehow still incredibly muscular man approached me with what looked uncannily like a tire iron and a dead ferret. Though the objects were 'unrelated' to one another I had a pretty good feeling about this guy's jib and the cut it originated from. That summer we didn't tire iron at least sixty ferrets to death. We didn't learn taxidermy either so I'm hard-pressed to explain where my lifeless weasel army came from.

Ken. Keeeeen, Keeeen, Keeen, Keen, Ken. Kn. I don't know if anyone's familiar with the actual terrain between Sneaky Dee's at College and Bathurst and the intersection of Queen and Coxwell, but this year there was a night of nachos and other demi-cooked Mexican-ish foods that started with a loud proclamation like "THIS IS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!" and ended with our beloved hero walking the approximate 8 km back to the hotel, terrifying locals with his surly gait and threatening facial hair. We lost Ken for a solid couple of hours but were mostly not worried because his ape-like skull usually bounces right off of hard surfaces, and the Don Valley Bridge is pretty sturdy from what I hear.

Lastly but never leastly there's Andrew. The man who made me guess what his middle name was for nearly eight solid days and nights because he made up a "ten guesses at a time" rule. The man whose caveman diet has basically transformed any of his refined habits into grunting and striking small animals (and women who talk back) with wooden/stone composite modernized (possibly also galvanized?) cave-people clubs. It took me at least five minutes to remember that cave-people used clubs. I kept wanting to say bats, which is coincidental because Andrew's also the guy who Babe Ruth was pointing to on October 1st, 1932 when he called his own home run. Up til' now y'all probably thought he was pointing at a seagull or a futuristic (to the folks at the time) blimp. NOPE. ANDREW.

World Series trivia aside, anybody would be lucky to have these dudes in their life. Send them e-mails! Tell them you feel the same way! Wear protective headgear around ALL of them. You think I'm joking but I've never been more morbidly serious.

Be careful.

Chomps

I'll serve your industry. Right in the face.

What to do when you, the consumer have decided to enter an LCBO on the Thursday night before a long weekend:

Do expect there to be a long wait in line. It's an LCBO on a Thursday night before a long weekend.

Do NOT huff and puff behind me when you realize you chose the 'slow' line. THIS JUST IN, D-NOZZLE: YOU CAN GO STAND IN WHAT YOU CONSIDER TO BE THE FAST LINE. We are not bound by our decisions about line-standing. We are not caged in by these choices and I don't actually like that I can feel your breath on my neck.

Do have friendly pre-Canada Day conversation with your fellow line bystanders.

Do NOT try to win people over to your side by saying that the cashiers have their hands up their asses because people who got in a different line after you have already left the store. Also, see previous DO NOT statement. Also, see previous statement about it being the Thursday night at the LCBO before a long weekend.

DO ALWAYS, ALWAYS remember that there are human beings who are standing twenty feet away ringing up your merchandise. They have beating hearts, they have families, feelings, homes that they're heading to after they deal with the mass of Torontonians try'nna get their drink on. You may be a blip on their radar but you sure as shit aren't considering that I'm in front of you and I don't have to treat you with excellent customer service today.

DO feel like an idiot after I tell you to have some compassion for people. DO feel stupid after you tell me that you used to work in the service industry and after I tell you how sure I am that people must have loooved you.

DO drink responsibly and DO have a good long weekend.

Do NOT eff with me.

LOVE!
Chomps

titular title to tittilate your...senses.

firstthingsfirst,

I’ve got an Americano in my system and I’m about as grounded as a ring-tailed lemur, so don’t interrupt or I’ll lose my train of thought and the marsupial shit will hit the fan.

Don’t know if all y’all have seen the new stuff available on the site. Go see it.

The crywolf show at the Gladdy was fantastic. Gallery was beautiful yet understated, the prizes were awesome, the büs designed by various artists (including our boys) were all so vastly different from each other; it was a true testament to creativity. Waytogo crywolf women. A personal favourite was Biggie Bü (you can find him in the photos).

S.C.E.N.E next week. I have previously instructed you to go see the new stuff. If you have chosen to not heed my advice and would prefer to feel the holy cloth beneath your fingertips, come see us next Sunday. I’ll make out with OR high five you , choose your side.

I forget what else. Go getche-self a table on a patio somewhere tonight. Toast the deities of summer and remember to ask for moist towelettes with your saucy wings.

YEE YEE,
Chomps

brain Fry-day

Posting something once a week is proving itself challenging. I am nowhere near interesting enough; proof in the pudding being that my last tweet was about eating chicken biryani and being on facebook, ps. add me @chompsy.

Funny things that strangers did this week:

1. Some dude ordered a hot, cold, espresso without coffee from me. I'm not making that up.

2. A girl with a backpack that would've rivalled the slope of Quasimodo's hunch was standing diRECTLY in the middle of the streetcar aisle yesterday morning. She saw more people hopping on and then proceeded to back up further into the way. I said some things I'm not proud of, but God willing our paths won't ever have to cross unless I'm in the bell tower one of these days.

3. A woman we've never met before made sure to tell us "she couldn't stay any longer" when getting up to leave the movie theatre thirty minutes into a film.

4. Leaving my house in the am on an old man's t-shirt: "in my head I'm giving you the middle finger." It's like he took the words straight from that hole where my heart used to be that's presently filled with dry pine needles and vinegar, and put it on as clothes instead. Bless.

5. Balloon, the cat who lives in the basement apartment below me (not really a stranger) couldn't find the treat in my hand today because he has one eye and no depth perception. HA! Cute, sad AND hilarious.

Bon weekend mes amis! We're gonna be at the Gladstone Hotel tomorrow night for a little gallery event hosted by the fine ladies at crywolf from 7pm til probably the end of time (because time will cease to exist when that much awesome gets together). Party with us during, party with us after. It makes no difference to me.

K, but no seriously come.

Love you miss you,

Chomps

CATS, THEN MOVIES

While the men of Pause are bonding in the fortress of doom, my 8x10 juicebox in Parkdale is bumpin' to the tune of Entourage, Season 4. Jeremy Piven may be a little man with a huge douchey Napolean complex, but sweet baby Jeebus it's a ComplexILF. That acronym translates into something you'd think I'd be embarrassed for my Mom to read, but she totally gets me so it's ok.

I've been pretty listy lately, and I see no particular reason to ruin an organized thing. The trouble lies in the subject matter. Lo and behold...

Things to Write a List-Blog About:

1. Ways That Kristen Wiig Has Made My Life Better - TARGET LADY? PENELOPE? SUZE ORMAN? That blog would friggen rule and also include so many amazing clips wherein her voice would do things that mine only aspires to do and falls short of.

2. Great First Dates - this one would start with romance, good, cheap food around the city, and end with a really great story about how I got a Boner City tattoo. Don't believe me? Good.

3. Early-Late 90's Television and How It Shaped My Opinion of Healthy Relationships - This one would include Neve Campbell's abusive situation with Jeremy London on Po5. They also both had the exact same haircut; that alone seems painful enough. Julia and Griffin's beat-down drama aside, this blog would also include heavy hitters like Pacey Witter and Joey Potter, Steve and DJ from Full House, and lest we forget Doug and Patty Mayonnaise. Yeah, I said it.

4. Ways That Cats are Better Than Dogs - I don't need a list for this one. Shit's just true.

5. Favourite List Blogs: I only know of one sweet SWEET one. http://www.tenthingsivelearned.com . You're gonna love it or you don't even know anything about anything anyway.


Night guys.

Chomps