I wish Topanga would just get over herself...

deep thoughts (throughout the years), not listed chronologically:

1. "...the washing machine's really loud right now. What if it's because the cat fell in? Oh god, I'M WASHING THE CAT. Should I get up and check? Wait, there she is."

2. "Ok so, if a vampire came in here and my neck was exposed he'd go straight for it. I have to find a way to cover my neck if he does get in, but sometimes the covers are so heavy if I'm under them and my face gets hot. But if I have to come up I might accidentally show my neck. I'm just going to sleep with the light on."

3. "That was in Mandarin or Japanese or maybe Cantonese but it sounded like English, so I must also know THAT language and maybe my brain is translating it directly into English because of some weird evolutionary talent that has skipped a bunch of generations or that maybe nobody else in my family will tell me about. Why would they be talking about asphalt?"

4. "If Nick Carter ever met me, I bet we could fall in love."

5. "If Justin Timberlake ever met me, and I was looking reaaaally good with one of my best outfits, I bet we could fall in love."

6. "If John Krasinski ever met me, and I made him laugh and my skin looked really healthy, I bet we could fall in love."

this one's for the lovers...of bread.

I ain't got shit to talk about.

That's never stopped me before though.

So it's Friday night, but I have to be up tomorrow morning for stupid o'clock which has determined this evening's line up:

1. two, count 'em TWO loads of laundry.
2. this episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
3. two Heinekens.

Before you get all Josie Grossie Loser stampy on my forehead, hear me out.

1) Every bra I own is going to be ZESTfully clean. If you don't think this is awesome, I don't even care. Because it beats all of your dirty bras by like a zillion.

2) THAT EPISODE OF FRESH PRINCE IS F*CKING AMAZING. Tatyana Ali is literally dressed like Peaches Geldof (who I hate, and so should you) but it's so much better because she's Ashley Banks and it's the 90's and seriously, imagine if you got to work on that show back then? How did anyone get any acting done? I'd have craft services provided beverages spraying out of my nose reg-u-lare-ly.

3) These are to accentuate the warm fuzzy happiness of both clean bras and remarking fondly on my childhood in front of the basement rec room tv that used to be encased in an immovable wooden dresser (remember those? my friend Nick had one up until last year, it was brilliant) with fake drawer handles. They are doing their job. The beers, I mean. Beers? Beer? I hate plural rules. Plurals?

Kloveyouguysbye

Chomps

Never take any of my movie advice. Ever.

So no offense intended or anything but why would anyone EVER want to see a movie based on a true story?

Alive - why? what for?

Titanic - waste of my 12-year-old lawn-cutting allowance. You wanna see a movie about a boat? Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Bitch could drive, fly, AND float.

Erin Brockovich - this movie will take you three days to watch and in the end you're like "so wait, Julia Roberts is in this and she's a lawyer or something but she's dressed as 'Pretty Woman' Julia Roberts. But, she's acting like 'Pelican Brief' Julia Roberts. My brain feels all splodey."

Changeling - Angelina Jolie. Blah blah blah.

127 Hours - Guys. Guys. You KNOW what happens. How is that entertaining? If I've got a choice between a movie where I know some dude saws off his own limb in a desert, or a movie I've seen a billion times anyway because it's got major re-watchable merit based on hilarity alone (let's use the WOULD-BE 2010 Oscar nominee for Best Picture if I had my way, Seventeen Again), why would you choose the bone-sawing one? Google that guy and peep his lack of a forearm and move on with your life.

Honestly. I'm not just saying this because tonight I spent two hours adding my own commentary to the first installment of the High School Musical franchise, which is one of the most unpredictably ridiculous movies of any past, present or foreseeable future generation, buuut I AM just saying it because of that too.

GO WILDCATS

Push Comes t'Shove

If you've ever spent a year just sort of 'getting by', you know how hard it can be to break the monotony and actually do something about it.

I started off Aught Eleven hoping for some serious miracles. I'm not sure who I thought would perform them, the pope's like four kakillion miles away and I'm pretty sure he's got bigger fish fries to fry on Fridays. Wow. Write that one down.

Santa's off the menu because he's a figment of Mel Smith's imagination and the Cadbury bunny has that ridiculously heavy backpack. Found myself at an impasse, t'would seem.

But LO, I've learned the value in buckling down and finding the amorphous warm mush inside myself that actually yearns for that 'something more' which is what I'm pretty sure Ariel was singing about before she let that stupid fleshy land-mammal "Prince" Eric make all of her decisions. We never did find out what he was the prince of, did we?

What I know is the following:

1. If what you're doing isn't making you even marginally happy, you really REALLY have to change it. Stop ignoring your lactose intolerance! Quit watching those weird movies where everybody ends up dead and the evil German doctor doesn't even GET his comeuppance! No offense to the real German doctors who aren't sewing peoples' digestive tracts together.

2. Try really hard not to take yourself so seriously. Trust me, you're the only one not laughing at you. Life is hilarious and if you can't relish a little bit in your embarrassments or quasi-failures you're going to get one of those weird forehead veins. Gross.

3. Get off your frigging phone. I catch myself doing this all the time, so I'm coming correct here. When you can't wait the forty-four seconds it takes to order a coffee because you're pretty sure you can text three more friends before you start work about what happened on The Bachelor last night, there's some issues afoot. I've started wanting to be around actual people and I'm pretty sure it's because I realize how cheap these addictive mini-interactions are. Don't get mad at me, I'm just saying we all suck at being personable is all.

4. Help somebody. Help everybody. I'm not saying spread yourself thin, but I don't even know if many of us have spread ourselves at all.

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm being wholesome.

5. I don't have a fifth suggestion. There's this though.




BLACK HOODY. WHITE HOODY.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

I'LL BE THE BLANKY TO YOUR LINUS

I've been writing about Valentine's Day for the past 35 minutes but the post got a little bit too introspective, and God knows I don't want anyone to think I have weaknesses that go deeper than All Dressed Ruffles, so let's just keep things light.

Here's what I think will make your day better.

I can cross post some of this in YouTubular as well. Just as a heads up, if you don't think animals are funny, go sell your wares some place else because I got some cats up my sleeve.

5 Uppers on a Downer

1. Surprised Kitty



If you didn't smile, you probably eat pieces of kitten like that for breakfast. Shame on you.

2. Louis C.K.'s Hilarious (NSFW)



The whole performance is available, you're not going to regret it.

3. Marcel the Shell with Shoes On



4. Ickle and Lardee

My Milk Toof

They're teeth that eat CHEERIOS! HAS YOUR MIND EXPLODED?

5. "Many too small boxes and Maru"



At about 2:17 you're going to laugh.

Do me a favour, if you're teetering on the side of craptastic today, watch these movies:

• Wet Hot American Summer
• Role Models
• Step Brothers
• Fubar
• JURASSIC PARK - seriously, you probably haven't seen this in fifteen years, your 8 year old mind wasn't even comprehending the dialogue OR exactly how amazing Jeff Goldblum was AND is.
  
• How to Train your Dragon

Do me another favour, do NOT watch these movies:

• He's Just Not That Into You
• Valentine's Day (February 14th aside, this would just be a waste of your eyeballs)
  
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Love Actually
• Shakespeare in Love
• Romeo and Juliet

And if all else fails, learn how to Cat Daddy. Andrew' s standing by to tell you whether or not you can pull it off.

We love you, and that's all that matters.

Hope this helps,

Chomps

RATED G MOVIES ARE RUINING MY HOLIDAY

Santa Claus has a white beard and probably a urine stained lap while he sits 'pon his throne at the mall. Or all of the malls. Or none of the malls because he's like waaaaaaay too busy.

The Santa Clause was a stipulation in a contract that Tim Allen's character was obligated to fulfill for knocking the previously listed man off of an icy roof.

Does Santa care whether or not you spell his name wrong?

Ummm, can you afford to take that chance?

Stop it.

-Chomps

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN 'STUMES

'Stumes is a new thing I'm saying now. Feel free to use it.

10. Antlers - no animal attached. People will be trying to figure out which animal with antlers you are ALL freakin' night. But you'll just be antlers. It's incredibly clever.

9. Kitty Clock - This one's SUUUPER simple. You dress as a cat and look from left to right all night. If you can get a mechanical tail that wags in time with your shifty eyes I say DO IT.

8. Johnny Knoxville - If anyone recognizes you, you can write to Johnny and say 'Hey buddy! Don't worry, you've stiiiiilll got it!' Someone's gotta stroke that poor guy's ego.

7. a Blog - go as this one! We love you! All you need is a sandwich board and a passion for the interwebs. Did I just paint a good enough mind picture with my imagination brush? E-mail me and I'll send you a diagram.

6. Mel Smith - You'll never have amazing hair like that, but you can damn well try.

5. Joe Biden - just recycle a George Bush costume but wear a whiter wig and give everyone a thumbs up. Totally do-able. I mean that in both the way that it's easily done and also that it's sexy.

4. Lady Gaga - just kidding.

3. T-Pain - put an Aero bar wrapper on your top teeth. DONE!

2. Ryan Reynolds in Buried - I don't know why. I like Ryan Reynolds and that's a movie he just did.

And number one?
Numero Uno?
El Supremo?

Jimmy friggen McMillan. Because he's a karate expert and he wants to make sure you get breakfast-lunch-n-dinner.

-Chomps