this one's for the lovers...of bread.

I ain't got shit to talk about.

That's never stopped me before though.

So it's Friday night, but I have to be up tomorrow morning for stupid o'clock which has determined this evening's line up:

1. two, count 'em TWO loads of laundry.
2. this episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
3. two Heinekens.

Before you get all Josie Grossie Loser stampy on my forehead, hear me out.

1) Every bra I own is going to be ZESTfully clean. If you don't think this is awesome, I don't even care. Because it beats all of your dirty bras by like a zillion.

2) THAT EPISODE OF FRESH PRINCE IS F*CKING AMAZING. Tatyana Ali is literally dressed like Peaches Geldof (who I hate, and so should you) but it's so much better because she's Ashley Banks and it's the 90's and seriously, imagine if you got to work on that show back then? How did anyone get any acting done? I'd have craft services provided beverages spraying out of my nose reg-u-lare-ly.

3) These are to accentuate the warm fuzzy happiness of both clean bras and remarking fondly on my childhood in front of the basement rec room tv that used to be encased in an immovable wooden dresser (remember those? my friend Nick had one up until last year, it was brilliant) with fake drawer handles. They are doing their job. The beers, I mean. Beers? Beer? I hate plural rules. Plurals?

Kloveyouguysbye

Chomps

Never take any of my movie advice. Ever.

So no offense intended or anything but why would anyone EVER want to see a movie based on a true story?

Alive - why? what for?

Titanic - waste of my 12-year-old lawn-cutting allowance. You wanna see a movie about a boat? Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Bitch could drive, fly, AND float.

Erin Brockovich - this movie will take you three days to watch and in the end you're like "so wait, Julia Roberts is in this and she's a lawyer or something but she's dressed as 'Pretty Woman' Julia Roberts. But, she's acting like 'Pelican Brief' Julia Roberts. My brain feels all splodey."

Changeling - Angelina Jolie. Blah blah blah.

127 Hours - Guys. Guys. You KNOW what happens. How is that entertaining? If I've got a choice between a movie where I know some dude saws off his own limb in a desert, or a movie I've seen a billion times anyway because it's got major re-watchable merit based on hilarity alone (let's use the WOULD-BE 2010 Oscar nominee for Best Picture if I had my way, Seventeen Again), why would you choose the bone-sawing one? Google that guy and peep his lack of a forearm and move on with your life.

Honestly. I'm not just saying this because tonight I spent two hours adding my own commentary to the first installment of the High School Musical franchise, which is one of the most unpredictably ridiculous movies of any past, present or foreseeable future generation, buuut I AM just saying it because of that too.

GO WILDCATS

Push Comes t'Shove

If you've ever spent a year just sort of 'getting by', you know how hard it can be to break the monotony and actually do something about it.

I started off Aught Eleven hoping for some serious miracles. I'm not sure who I thought would perform them, the pope's like four kakillion miles away and I'm pretty sure he's got bigger fish fries to fry on Fridays. Wow. Write that one down.

Santa's off the menu because he's a figment of Mel Smith's imagination and the Cadbury bunny has that ridiculously heavy backpack. Found myself at an impasse, t'would seem.

But LO, I've learned the value in buckling down and finding the amorphous warm mush inside myself that actually yearns for that 'something more' which is what I'm pretty sure Ariel was singing about before she let that stupid fleshy land-mammal "Prince" Eric make all of her decisions. We never did find out what he was the prince of, did we?

What I know is the following:

1. If what you're doing isn't making you even marginally happy, you really REALLY have to change it. Stop ignoring your lactose intolerance! Quit watching those weird movies where everybody ends up dead and the evil German doctor doesn't even GET his comeuppance! No offense to the real German doctors who aren't sewing peoples' digestive tracts together.

2. Try really hard not to take yourself so seriously. Trust me, you're the only one not laughing at you. Life is hilarious and if you can't relish a little bit in your embarrassments or quasi-failures you're going to get one of those weird forehead veins. Gross.

3. Get off your frigging phone. I catch myself doing this all the time, so I'm coming correct here. When you can't wait the forty-four seconds it takes to order a coffee because you're pretty sure you can text three more friends before you start work about what happened on The Bachelor last night, there's some issues afoot. I've started wanting to be around actual people and I'm pretty sure it's because I realize how cheap these addictive mini-interactions are. Don't get mad at me, I'm just saying we all suck at being personable is all.

4. Help somebody. Help everybody. I'm not saying spread yourself thin, but I don't even know if many of us have spread ourselves at all.

Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm being wholesome.

5. I don't have a fifth suggestion. There's this though.




BLACK HOODY. WHITE HOODY.

Hope this helps,
Chomps

I'LL BE THE BLANKY TO YOUR LINUS

I've been writing about Valentine's Day for the past 35 minutes but the post got a little bit too introspective, and God knows I don't want anyone to think I have weaknesses that go deeper than All Dressed Ruffles, so let's just keep things light.

Here's what I think will make your day better.

I can cross post some of this in YouTubular as well. Just as a heads up, if you don't think animals are funny, go sell your wares some place else because I got some cats up my sleeve.

5 Uppers on a Downer

1. Surprised Kitty



If you didn't smile, you probably eat pieces of kitten like that for breakfast. Shame on you.

2. Louis C.K.'s Hilarious (NSFW)



The whole performance is available, you're not going to regret it.

3. Marcel the Shell with Shoes On



4. Ickle and Lardee

My Milk Toof

They're teeth that eat CHEERIOS! HAS YOUR MIND EXPLODED?

5. "Many too small boxes and Maru"



At about 2:17 you're going to laugh.

Do me a favour, if you're teetering on the side of craptastic today, watch these movies:

• Wet Hot American Summer
• Role Models
• Step Brothers
• Fubar
• JURASSIC PARK - seriously, you probably haven't seen this in fifteen years, your 8 year old mind wasn't even comprehending the dialogue OR exactly how amazing Jeff Goldblum was AND is.
  
• How to Train your Dragon

Do me another favour, do NOT watch these movies:

• He's Just Not That Into You
• Valentine's Day (February 14th aside, this would just be a waste of your eyeballs)
  
• Sleepless in Seattle
• Love Actually
• Shakespeare in Love
• Romeo and Juliet

And if all else fails, learn how to Cat Daddy. Andrew' s standing by to tell you whether or not you can pull it off.

We love you, and that's all that matters.

Hope this helps,

Chomps

RATED G MOVIES ARE RUINING MY HOLIDAY

Santa Claus has a white beard and probably a urine stained lap while he sits 'pon his throne at the mall. Or all of the malls. Or none of the malls because he's like waaaaaaay too busy.

The Santa Clause was a stipulation in a contract that Tim Allen's character was obligated to fulfill for knocking the previously listed man off of an icy roof.

Does Santa care whether or not you spell his name wrong?

Ummm, can you afford to take that chance?

Stop it.

-Chomps

TOP TEN HALLOWEEN 'STUMES

'Stumes is a new thing I'm saying now. Feel free to use it.

10. Antlers - no animal attached. People will be trying to figure out which animal with antlers you are ALL freakin' night. But you'll just be antlers. It's incredibly clever.

9. Kitty Clock - This one's SUUUPER simple. You dress as a cat and look from left to right all night. If you can get a mechanical tail that wags in time with your shifty eyes I say DO IT.

8. Johnny Knoxville - If anyone recognizes you, you can write to Johnny and say 'Hey buddy! Don't worry, you've stiiiiilll got it!' Someone's gotta stroke that poor guy's ego.

7. a Blog - go as this one! We love you! All you need is a sandwich board and a passion for the interwebs. Did I just paint a good enough mind picture with my imagination brush? E-mail me and I'll send you a diagram.

6. Mel Smith - You'll never have amazing hair like that, but you can damn well try.

5. Joe Biden - just recycle a George Bush costume but wear a whiter wig and give everyone a thumbs up. Totally do-able. I mean that in both the way that it's easily done and also that it's sexy.

4. Lady Gaga - just kidding.

3. T-Pain - put an Aero bar wrapper on your top teeth. DONE!

2. Ryan Reynolds in Buried - I don't know why. I like Ryan Reynolds and that's a movie he just did.

And number one?
Numero Uno?
El Supremo?

Jimmy friggen McMillan. Because he's a karate expert and he wants to make sure you get breakfast-lunch-n-dinner.

-Chomps

WANNA KNOW WHAT REALLY GRINDS MY GEARS?

Fashionable and chic as I may seem to those of you who’ve met me in person (read: three steps away from wearing plaid pajama pants and a waffle shirt without a bra in public) there are a few excruciating trends I’ve been noticing lately. Seeing as this is clearly a forum where people stand by the well(and independently)-made fashion choices they make, maybe this’ll be well received or maybe someone will try to strangle me with *leather leggings on the dimly lit street.

Can I even call these faux-pas? Not really. Reason: these are actually accepted social norms. These don’t violate the eyes of many, though they terrorize the hearts of the few. My grandmother and I being two of them. Hold on tight, and don’t cry “EGREGIOUS!” til’ we’re through.



1) LEATHER LEGGINGS!?!!!! : Come on. Let’s consider the source. Source A) Motorcycle riders who are afraid they’ll lose large patches of skin due to road rash should they accidentally skid out of control. Source B) Li-to-the-Lo-han. Neither are realistic fashion icons for the greater good, one of them is always crying in court because she can’t seem to stop spending her millions on alcohol and inventing new ways to wear leather leggings. Shudder.

                                                                              2)

Boyfriend Button-Ups: TUT, TUT. I do NOT speak ill of the oversized button-up when it is used as a top. I do wish a variety of Swine Influenzas on the The Hills wardrobe consultant who thought it would be ok to start wearing them as dresses. A plague sprung from the idea that a large shirt could easily double as an ill-fitting dress if belted (by rope, fishing line, or other) in some way which lends itself to frequent ‘whoopsies!’ and ‘bum-cheek peek-a-boos’.

3) UGG Boots: Friends, this was a problem in 2003. There’s no reason for it to still be wreaking havoc on my eyes. They don’t weather well in our Canadian climate, they make women look like abominable snowpeople, and they single-handedly turn any well-planned outfit into something Britney Spears wore into a gas station POST-baldy. “But they’re soooo comfortablllllllllleeeee!” I don’t care. They’re awful. Get some real winter boots and stop sliding around in front of me on the sidewalk.


4) The strapless dress: This just in! Straps keep your breasts INside your clothes. If you’re attempting to garner attention by having your fun-bags navigate territory with a bit more freedom, we also passed a law some years ago that’ll allow you to go topless. No need to keep tugging on yourself while you’re dancing to Ke$ha.

5) Purses adorned with the initials of whichever designer you chose that day because you had four hundred bucks burning a hole in your pocket: Though it pains me to be the one to expose this to you, you got had. You got had, and how.

I feel way better now. All of this being said, I should also add that there are a lot of really REALLY hot fashion choices out there right now. Some people lead the way by wearing pants as pants and shirts as shirts, and I respect that. You should also probably not take my advice too seriously because the greater part of my good taste in anything is for hamburgers and french fries. Try Buns in Montreal.

Hope this helps and please don’t hit me with your Coach bag,


-Chomps