slush pants

It's the end of May. We Southern Ontarians just experienced our first almost picture-perfect weekend. We've all been out of the house, cutting the lawn, walkin' the cat, etc. etc. Here's some other stuff I like to do.

1. Go to the zoo - I feel like a trip to the zoo could be controversial if you're a person who would rather see animals in their 'natural habitat', but a lot of fun for people who have come to terms with reality and know that they're probably never going to travel to the Himalayas to catch this little guy in action. I had never seen a rhinoceros before, I couldn't afford a trip to Africa, guess where I went? Scarborough, ON. Yes, it can be sad to see anything exist in captivity (and please, don't go to Marineland) but if you can't get past it, start saving for that overseas safari. I'm not going to list 'safari in Africa' as things to do this summer, because I'm pretty sure your odds are good of hitting a warm, dry season outside of our four month pocket.

2. Cedar Point - if you go to Canada's Wonderland every year and ride the fastest roller coaster like seven times just to avoid riding the ones that you know won't live up to your expectations, get four or five friends together, book a room in Sandusky and go to Cedar Point for two days. There are two or three different lodging options (I've always stayed at The Breakers), and if you stay on-site you get access to the park before e'erybody else does. It's not that I don't hear how much all y'all looooooove the Behemoth. It's just that the Behemoth sucks. There aren't any rides that suck at Cedar Point. None.

3. Take the train somewhere - Our railway system is pretty freakin' awesome. If you buy at the right time you can get last minute business class tickets along a lot of their major routes at reasonable prices. There's also a youth discount up to 25 years of age that I'm not sure many people know about. Get wild! Go to Moncton! (disclaimer: if there's nothing going on in Moncton, don't get mad at me. Just get back on the train and keep movin' east. Or make some noise in NB and change their reputation FOREVER.)

4. S.C.E.N.E Music Festival - my home town has a fairly awesomely reputed block party every year, wherein hundreds of bands (some Canadian, some travelling from afar) play at over ten different venues all within walking distance of each other. Beer flows like water, water flows to battle the dehydration. People usually ignore the latter. Pause'll be there. You should join us. http://www.scenemusicfestival.com . The other good news about outdoor concerts this year is that NXNE falls the week before S.C.E.N.E and it always guarantees a good time. LOOK!

5. The cheapest and often funnest (it's a word) suggestion - Welcome people into your home, yard, and life. Let's face it, if you were partying at somebody ELSE'S house they've been cleaning up after you. Odds are you've been a mess-leave-behinder for a lot of years now at the homesteads of many pool owners (both swimming, and table). Time to return the favour. Make some fruit juice popsicles and tell people to BYOB. No furniture? Tell people to BYOChairs. We've only got about 3 months and two weeks before we're zipping our jackets up to our chins and wishing we'd done more fun stuff over the summer. GET ON IT.

learning!

don't say this:

1. creamy - because it's disgusting.

2. tresses - because you're not a writer for YM magazine.

3. moist - because it sounds disgusting even if it isn't.

4. 'opposed to' without the 'as' (shout out to my homey C-Mac) - because that's not how English works. BEing opposed to something is one thing. For example, I am opposed to people making comparisons using the nonsensical phrase 'this, opposed to that.' Y'heard?

5. fuss-trated - because that's not an actual word.

Happy Thursday,

xoxo Chompz

"you ain't no weeble wobble!"

Guys, I dunno.

Does anyone else find 'not knowing' enTIREly frustrating? Did anyone else grow up constantly asking questions throughout scary movies while your best friends groaned and wondered why they even invited you to the 7:30pm showing of 'Bless the Child'? That movie was terrifying, by the way. And not just because of Kim Basinger's face. And not just because of Kim Basinger's face PLUS the fact that she would follow up with Eight Mile and somehow actually get good press for it.

(I saw Eight Mile in a theater in Midland, Ontario. I was the obnoxious seventeen-year-old laughing at the more dramatic parts, especially when Rabbit's mom -played by our aforementioned heroine- gets mad AND sad at the same time. Shit's hilarious.)

So wait, nobody else ever worried about being in the pool alone because of fresh-slash-chlorine-tolerant sharks? Is it weird that I've been talking about sharks a lot lately? Is it weird if a person THINKS a lot about squirrels but TALKS a lot about sharks?

Cuz if you think of how cute squirrels are, it makes perfect sense to ALWAYS think about them. In Toronto you can get just about any squirrel to come up to you if you make the right noise and ACT like you're holding a peanut. I feel like I'm pandering. Last thought on squirrels: how are they EVER fat?

Initially I had something insightful to say but sometimes it's just best to be honest when there's nothing but decade old glitter-glue and the theme song from Step by Step on repeat in your squirrel-food-sized brain.

Did that feel like five minutes you'll never get back? I'm counting it as a victory.


xo Chomps

I beseech thee...

Some of us watched our nightmares come true last night as a contemptuous shark-eyed Prime Minister found his way back into the safe loving arms of a nation who - based on pretty straightforward statistics - actually the-opposite-of-love him.

Some of us didn't watch it.

Some of us don't know what a shark is.

Please Canada. Before you vote, learn about sharks. It'll help in the future.

I'm going to send this off to Eric and hope he doesn't add a picture of a shark to it, because I really see no reason in making things easy for any of you. Type it in google images or go swim in the ocean, CAPISCE?

Chomps

I wish Topanga would just get over herself...

deep thoughts (throughout the years), not listed chronologically:

1. "...the washing machine's really loud right now. What if it's because the cat fell in? Oh god, I'M WASHING THE CAT. Should I get up and check? Wait, there she is."

2. "Ok so, if a vampire came in here and my neck was exposed he'd go straight for it. I have to find a way to cover my neck if he does get in, but sometimes the covers are so heavy if I'm under them and my face gets hot. But if I have to come up I might accidentally show my neck. I'm just going to sleep with the light on."

3. "That was in Mandarin or Japanese or maybe Cantonese but it sounded like English, so I must also know THAT language and maybe my brain is translating it directly into English because of some weird evolutionary talent that has skipped a bunch of generations or that maybe nobody else in my family will tell me about. Why would they be talking about asphalt?"

4. "If Nick Carter ever met me, I bet we could fall in love."

5. "If Justin Timberlake ever met me, and I was looking reaaaally good with one of my best outfits, I bet we could fall in love."

6. "If John Krasinski ever met me, and I made him laugh and my skin looked really healthy, I bet we could fall in love."

this one's for the lovers...of bread.

I ain't got shit to talk about.

That's never stopped me before though.

So it's Friday night, but I have to be up tomorrow morning for stupid o'clock which has determined this evening's line up:

1. two, count 'em TWO loads of laundry.
2. this episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air.
3. two Heinekens.

Before you get all Josie Grossie Loser stampy on my forehead, hear me out.

1) Every bra I own is going to be ZESTfully clean. If you don't think this is awesome, I don't even care. Because it beats all of your dirty bras by like a zillion.

2) THAT EPISODE OF FRESH PRINCE IS F*CKING AMAZING. Tatyana Ali is literally dressed like Peaches Geldof (who I hate, and so should you) but it's so much better because she's Ashley Banks and it's the 90's and seriously, imagine if you got to work on that show back then? How did anyone get any acting done? I'd have craft services provided beverages spraying out of my nose reg-u-lare-ly.

3) These are to accentuate the warm fuzzy happiness of both clean bras and remarking fondly on my childhood in front of the basement rec room tv that used to be encased in an immovable wooden dresser (remember those? my friend Nick had one up until last year, it was brilliant) with fake drawer handles. They are doing their job. The beers, I mean. Beers? Beer? I hate plural rules. Plurals?

Kloveyouguysbye

Chomps

Never take any of my movie advice. Ever.

So no offense intended or anything but why would anyone EVER want to see a movie based on a true story?

Alive - why? what for?

Titanic - waste of my 12-year-old lawn-cutting allowance. You wanna see a movie about a boat? Watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Bitch could drive, fly, AND float.

Erin Brockovich - this movie will take you three days to watch and in the end you're like "so wait, Julia Roberts is in this and she's a lawyer or something but she's dressed as 'Pretty Woman' Julia Roberts. But, she's acting like 'Pelican Brief' Julia Roberts. My brain feels all splodey."

Changeling - Angelina Jolie. Blah blah blah.

127 Hours - Guys. Guys. You KNOW what happens. How is that entertaining? If I've got a choice between a movie where I know some dude saws off his own limb in a desert, or a movie I've seen a billion times anyway because it's got major re-watchable merit based on hilarity alone (let's use the WOULD-BE 2010 Oscar nominee for Best Picture if I had my way, Seventeen Again), why would you choose the bone-sawing one? Google that guy and peep his lack of a forearm and move on with your life.

Honestly. I'm not just saying this because tonight I spent two hours adding my own commentary to the first installment of the High School Musical franchise, which is one of the most unpredictably ridiculous movies of any past, present or foreseeable future generation, buuut I AM just saying it because of that too.

GO WILDCATS