Chomps

Two years ago, the girl in this picture let everyone at Pause sleep on her floor. She writes sassy articles for us now. That's what she would look like with a large black moustache. Enjoy.

Oh, Hi!

Contrary to my curmudgeonly linear persona, in person I'm fairly agreeable, somewhat personable and all around fun-loving.

HOWever.

There are a few uh, provisos. A couple of quid pro quo.

This is not written because I assume some sort of omnipotent, self-important role. This is a list of things that I hope most people in their right minds adhere to when meeting new folks who they want to a) be friends with, or b) befriend and then date their prettier sibling/bestie/recently divorced mother. As always, I do not claim to have never done these things. Only that they are ineffective, irritating and worth shedding some light on.

How to Make a Bad First Impression:

Assume familiarity by using terms of endearment like 'honey' and 'sweetie'. 'Sweetheart' also falls into this category depending on how condescending your tone of voice is. The exception to this rule is if it is expressed with sincerity and not a whiny squawk. The exception does NOT necessarily include people who are older than you, regardless of how ancient they claim to be or how white their hair is. Especially servers. Cut it out, Fran.

Try to convince me that a reality show you've been watching is riveting, funny, enjoyable, or even worth a sentence in a conversation that's probably already strained. This is not a direct judgment on those who choose to watch reality television. I've been known to chat up fellow fans of 'So You Think You Can Dance?'. It IS a judgment of people who speak of them without invitation or without any other social cue that their 'new friend' even enjoys the same mindless fodder.

Say things like 'I'm not going to lie' (or ANY variation of this, including 'not gonna lie', 'nah gan lah', etc.) or an equally annoying popular phrase which would not only be redundant but also imply that someone would care that you had a propensity to veer from the truth when admitting to something which is probably going to be unequivocally boring anyway. An example of this: "sweetie, I'm not gonna lie, I just canNOT get enough of the Bachelor this season." Vomitacious.

This one doesn't need to be stated but I feel like I need to cater to the lowest common denominator if I'm really going to reach out and help someone tonight. Keep your friggen' foot out of your mouth. Don't comment on how you 'would just die if you couldn't eat cheese' to a vegan. Don't talk about how comic books are for losers to somebody who might have grown up wishing that they were Spider-Man. In fact, if you find that you're somewhat incapable of keeping your offensive biases to yourself, do these four things:

1. enter the nearest convenience store
2. purchase microwave popcorn (with extra butter for those of you who simply can't lie about how much they love it)
3. say 'thank-you, honey' to the clerk.
4. microwave your snack, turn on The Hills and never try to make any more friends.

Yours,
Chomptholomew