Just in time for our last day on Earth...

Approximately two thousand and thirteen things I have learned:

-If you hate your job, leave it. If you can't leave right away, ask somebody you trust to hold you accountable to work towards leaving. Time wasted is time wasted. It's absolutely nothing else.

- If you order $40.00 worth of Indian food, it will last you for about 4 dinners. It will also make your bum a bit bigger. Could be a good or bad thing, depending on your aim.

-Anybody who waits around until the end of your time together to be honest with you, isn't worth feeling shitty over. Vulnerability is scary, but if you're gonna be in a scary place for another person they sure as hell better go there with you.

-A cat will always try to get an extra meal out of you. They are social parasites who know how to cry like infants (and as a childless woman, I will cave every single damn time).

-Your family will love you when you are at your best. They will also somehow find a way to love you when you are curled up in an anger ball, wishing the couch had a yuletide-free shield around it. Be kind.

-Stop typing that text. You're intoxicated and it's 3am.

-Throw your socks with holes in them in the garbage. What are you clinging so fiercely to, anyway?

-Stop wasting your money on 3D movies. They're not better. AVX, maybe. Fuck 3D everything.

-Take some time every day to make yourself aware of what's going on in the world outside of the city you live in. Rob Ford is not allowed to be your biggest historical takeaway from this year. The excuse that 'world news depresses you' is as shoddy as that toe-less sock.

-Tip people. Honestly. It's not about "karma", it's about recognizing that if you can afford to patronize the services of somebody making a very low wage, you should also be able to show that you appreciate the work they do. Tips help pay peoples' rent; they get their clothes washed; they matter.

-Every minute you spend reading crummy 'journalism' about somebody you'll never meet who has absolutely no affect on your progress as a human in any way whatsoever, will actually stunt your progress as a human. This one is tough because the junk we ingest with our eyes and minds is so much more delicious than the fantastic reality we could be cooking up for ourselves. I struggle with it daily.

-Never, ever take your good/medium/acceptable health for granted. Getting out of bed and walking to the bathroom in the middle of the night isn't as easy for everybody as it is for you. Stop pretending that you can subsist on cigarettes and vodka because your great-grandfather rocked it so well. We have science now, and your g-pa was just lucky.

-Don't let a list that somebody writes in an extremely little-known blog dictate or influence your decisions. Think for yourself, find whatever feels like it's missing, improve whatever feels like it's lacking. If you're happy with the balance you've struck, I raise my glass to you.

Chomps

D'you like it? It's 'McDonald's arches gold'!

Hey gang! What's up?

Weather's cray on my end in Toronto, weather's cray on the guys' end in St. Catharines. Love to our family and friends who are being rained upon, flooded out, blown around and generally bothered by this wrath of Mama Nature.

I was cruising Pinterest tonight like a stereotypical female in her mid (to late) 20s on a Monday, watching Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho with my roomie, and I was reminded of this, for approximately the kwillionth time.

 Recognize this colour?

Tiffany Blue? Robin's egg blue? Sky-unaffected-by-hurricane-Sandy blue? 

Fellow facebook friends, pinners and valued members of our brand-obsessed society, this is our friend turquoise. Your preferred wedding colour scheme or accent on a plethora of non-Tiffany made accessories is turquoise. There's nothing wrong with that, either! It will look lovely with your gowns, tuxes, et cetera, and everyone will tell you what a lovely party planner you are. Heck, it looks great with the rhinestones on the watch you bought at that weird convenience store that also cuts keys and has those weird birdcages with the bird robots inside of them. But it's turquoise.

Not too far from seafoam green, and just down the road from teal. I'm just trying to change the world in big ways that matter, one irksome misnomer at a time.

Lurv,
Chomps

Levi Strauss is rolling in his grave.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

Can we talk? Can we be 'real' with each other?

 What's the deal here?

"that one part of my side-thigh gets way colder than the rest of my thigh though!"

These jean-shorts are hurting us. I am a steadfast fan of the cut-off but I can no longer stand idly by while you people fudge everything up with your ignorance to the fact that this does not compliment ANY woman's widest area (small, medium, extra-medium or large) in any fathomable way. This is the UGG of my summer. You are all beautifully clad in well-pressed button ups or sheer flowing blouses with impeccable accessories, but when I scan to admire the rest of your fashion choices I am left wanting to cry into the two half kleenexes sticking out of your leg-holes. NO WAIT, THOSE ARE POCKETS. What are they for again? To conceal items that you'd like to keep close at hand? How novel.

It's unacceptable. Rectify it immediately. Your strappy sandals and wedges and cutesy pedicures still look fab though.

to all of us who represent the company...

Hey friends! We haven't shot the breeze in at least two months. This is partially because I have no idea in what manner one should shoot breeze. Bullets keep flying right through it and I'm never sure if I'm doing it right. Vat of jello, fine. Kiddy pool full of guacamole, ok. Then we'd have something to shoot stuff at as well as conversate about. Yes, I just said conversate.

Check out the site this weekend, there are amazing treasures to behold for half the price, starting February 17th.

Thanks to a friend who knows what's what (who wrote a book; go get it because it's one of my favourites of 2011), I found this guy named Guante today. It's not a HUUUUGE secret that I spend about 32+ hours of my week serving the general public of Toronto a certain type of beverage with a certain popular symbol stamped on a certain kind of partially-recyclable cup. I have spent the last 4 years of my life doing this in some capacity, and prior to that (throughout high school, university and college) I was serving the general public of St. Catharines as a cashier at a grocery store.

People have been telling me for years that it takes a 'certain kind of person' to stay in a customer service or retail job. They're right. We are the perfect combination of friendly, over-achieving, pacifistic problem-solvers. We apologize when it's not even close to being our fault, we smile when we want to strangle you, and we pretend it doesn't bother us when you decide you're in the mood to pretend like we're not human beings. I have a ton of friends, loved ones, and a mother that work to make people with no manners happy on a daily basis. What they do (and what I do) matters to me, a lot. Just so you know.

I liked this.

When Secret Santa Simply Won't Do. Cuz Boys Are Stupid.

Chompstain's Log, 11:14am on Wednesday December 28th, 2011.

That reads like 'chomp stain.' I do not like it. Some new words were never meant to be coined.

Dear Diary,

This has been a really great year. I can't wait for Christmas when all of us get together around the yule-thing and sing something-carols about non-denominational babies who were conceived questionably. We're playing this game called Yankee Swap. You may or may not have seen an episode of The Office, Season 1, wherein the employees partake in an ill-thought out gift robbery that originally started out as a Secret Santa. Pam comes to her senses in the end and gets her teapot back.

I'm not really a White Elephant kind of girl, but because some of the guys are hitters and I don't really feel like entering the Octagon this holiday season, I'm going to acquiesce.

Things I Am Probably Going to Buy for Yankee Swap (we have to shoot for approximately $15.00)

1. Hair elastics - the ones that will go in even short hair. Serves them right. They wanted to play Yankee Swap and now they've gotta use this gift. Have fun looking like that one dude from The Prodigy.

2. Two chocolate pudding cups - because it's Christmas, and I've got a heart.

3. Mistletoe - nobody knows what it actually looks like because people get it confused with holly. Someone will probably throw it in the salad thinking that a piece of arugula went astray. It looks nothing like arugula either, but I bet you don't know what arugula looks like, Diary.

4. Creepy head scratcher thing that Andrew has. - Not buying this for anyone. Stealing it in order to get rid of it because it's like a futuristic alien fingernail-claw and it makes me uncomfortable. It's also clearly what everyone's parents were talking about when they said "it's all fun and head-scratchy til' someone loses an eye." TAKE IT. TAKE IT AWAY.

I'm not a monster, I'll give him a different one instead. HAHA! Look at that thing! Does it double as a lawn-mower?

5. A three dollar Amazon.ca gift card. - this will cover somebody's annoying S&H costs. Maybe.

6. Neon orange Bic lighter - It's sitting on my nightstand for some reason, and I don't really need it right now. Hopefully whoever gets it will let me borrow it when the time comes.

7. One tea light - This way the receiver doesn't have to commit to a legitimate candle that they may or may not use regularly to make the burning time worthwhile. An unused candle functions as nothing more than a dust collector, but a tea light only burns for like three hours and it's SUPER easy to throw out with the rest of the crappy gifts I've put together in this list. It also necessitates the bic lighter. I AM AN EFFICIENT GIFT-GIVER.

8. Creamy Garlic Dipping Sauce - Someone WILL use this. It's the most thoughtful thing so far.

9. Bag of penne rigate - Because I have one in my pantry. What's up.

10. A Kinder egg airplane that won't fly. Chocolate not included.

There, Diary. That entry took me about a week to write. Seven days to come up with ten crappy gifts. Forgive me, nine crappy gifts and one terrifying one.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Chomps

Top Ten Halloween 'Stumes

READY? LET'S GO.

10. House Fly - black turtleneck, black pants, black bra on your face. Bra must be of the under-wire variety. I haven't tested this out, but it FEELS successful as an idea. You need wings for this one too because otherwise you'll just end up looking like an underwear-sniffer.

9. Underwear Sniffer

8. a Quilt - there's two ways to go about this one. Step one: drape quilt over shoulders. Step two: find bed at party and use quilt to sleep under. People are gonna be jealous, you've got my blog-antee. That's a blog guarantee. It's worth almost nothing.

7. Occupy Wall Street - Carry a sign that reads 'we are the 99%', and when people ask you "the 99% of what?" you can say whatever you want! "The 99% of the AWESOME AT THIS PAAAAARTTYYYY!!!! WOOOOOO!" It might be insensitive, but so am I.

6. Drunken Mess - nobody ever thinks to go as this, and yet everybody always ends up as this. Can we cut out the middle man, por favor?

5. Shooting Star(s) - roman candles. Done.

4. Lord Voldemort - black cloak, white face make-up, roman candles. Done.

3. Amy Winehouse dressed as Steve Jobs dressed as Randy Savage.

2. Whatever your friend told you they were going as in secret because they didn't want anybody else to steal their idea. Unless theirs is something dumb. Don't go as anything dumb.

and the TOP 'STUME OF TWO THOUSAND AND ELEVENTYHUNDRED?

Bachelorette Party - Picture this: twelve to fourteen women carrying around penis straws, plastic leis and unbelievably ugly homemade t-shirts covered in each other's signatures. Pretend like you have NO IDEA what night it is. The commitment? One of you will barf twice in the washroom, one of you will get in a fight, and one of you will end the night in tears. WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

HAPPY HALLOWIZZLE,

LOVE,

Chomps

We Don't Give an F, S my D, How Many Licks and other insightful track titles.

HAAAAAAAAI,

I'm gonna be straight up with youse. I, Chelsea 'Chomps' Maria 'Chip on my Shoulder' Freeman have been struggling with things of mid-sized importance to internet-write about.

Here's a list though:

Things and People That Should've Given Up Already:

1. This fuckin' thing. Did you barf in your mouth? I have been for years, just remembering that it exists. It's a geoduck. For starters it's pronounced ridiculously unlike how it's spelled. That makes me angry almost immediately. For seconders LOOK AT IT. It's my nightmare. It's what will rule the world eventually and it's probably what will take power FROM the robots.

2. Nicolas Cage (this one's for you, Bean): SERIOUSLY? The guy has one facial expression, and it's "My puppy just died because I fed it a steady diet of the movies I star in." David Schwimmer slides in pretty close but he had the good sense to typecast himself early on in his career with a crew of others who still somehow manage to warm my heart regardless of their syndication. Wanna fight me about Friends? Shit's good, so shut up. Actually, Nicolas was ssshmmaaaalright in Kick Ass. But remember how little you had to see his face? Exactly.

3. Lil Kim.

4. Bloggers. Right? I know.

5. Videos of baby animals. I've had enough. I've had enough of the bunnies, and the kittens, and the weird stories about hippopotamuses and tortoises forming life-long friendships. I've had enough of human babies too! What with their squishy faces when they eat pickles and the way they giggle because they don't have the good sense to hide their happiness on the inside.

aaaaaaaah GOTCHA! I love that stuff. You guys are turd-hearted esses of b's if you were like "FINALLY! Someone else says it!"

I'm not sayin' it. I'm not sayin' it at all.

lulz,

Chomps